Back in…October or so, when Allison put up her poem book on Google Drive for her beta-readers, I read this one poem that made me cry…and then inspired me to, whilst sobbing, write more details. I ended up with a page-long flash fiction, and haven’t done anything with it since. I haven’t even edited it.
But I knew it was good, so I figured I should probably publish it on here. The story line is absolutely NOT mine, I totally stole that from Allison’s poem. But somehow the emotions just articulated themselves into words like they rarely do, and I felt this as I wrote it…even though I’ve never experienced it. I’m an INFJ. XD Anyway, without further ado.
I knew the minute I saw you that I was going to love you.
But I knew before that, too. I really knew the minute I saw the two pink lines that I was going to love you as long as I could. My eyes shone as I whispered the news – the sweet, secret news of a new life growing inside me. I dreamed of the day when I would hold your hand, hold you close, hold your life. I smiled as I prepared for you. As I bought little booties and baby bottles.
My heart grew full when I heard your heart beat – it filled so full it overflowed with a few tears. My heart grew full as we laughed over names, picking one for you close to both our hearts. My heart grew full as you grew inside me, as I rested my hand outside your protective bubble every time I thought of you.
I couldn’t wait for that day when I’d finally meet you face to face.
But before that day came, my dreams were shattered. Shattered like the glass I dropped that split into a million pieces – my heart was a million pieces. Again it overflowed, tears spilling over like a bucket full with rain water when it rains for days in wintertime. I wept and my tears were not joy this time.
“Lord, why?” I cried, my body racked with sobs, shaking you too inside of me. I hugged the pillow closer, knowing that you’d never grow big enough for me to hug you instead. I couldn’t understand why your precious life would so soon be gone from me. How I hated the words the doctors said, as they tried to break it to me gently.
Death is not gentle.
Sadly I packed away each little thing I bought for you, knowing you would never use them. I cherished each day you stayed within me, knowing all too soon your new life would be ended. I remembered every time I looked at the little photo of you inside me that it would be one of the only photos we would ever have.
And then the day came, all too soon. Pain shot through me but all I could think of was you, and wonder if you’d even be alive when you were born. But you were. You were alive and your cries split the air when you finally met our world. I held you tightly against my heart and thanked God I was able to meet you, even if our time together on this earth was short.
You were perfect. Wrinkled and so white but altogether perfect, and I loved you – oh, how I loved you. You were mine, and you were precious, but you were not mine for long. It wasn’t many minutes before you took your last breath, struggling to breathe, as I inhaled quietly so I could hear you.
And then, you were gone. My heart, so full with love for you broke again from the splintered shatters, and I watched you as they took you from me. I cried, with pain and with sorrow, and I couldn’t think of anything else but you being taken from me. I didn’t want to breathe. You stopped breathing, why couldn’t I? Hot tears rolled down my cheeks, filling my eyes until I couldn’t see anything but the blurry plants filling the hospital room.
I knew I’d see you again, but I didn’t know why I’d have to wait so long.
My heart has gathered up its shatters, but you still hold a few of its pieces. Keep them safe for me, my love.
I miss you.