How to Fool Humans (written by Luvems)

Warning: this is for cats only.

Fellow cats, have you ever wondered how one should go about fooling humans? Never fear, I am here, and I’m quite an expert on the subject. I should be! After all, I hold nearly three years of experience in my paws.

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  1. HOW TO MAKE THEM THINK YOU ARE ASLEEP

This is quite an easy trick to start with. It works best if you want to spy on the humans. First, find a comfortable place to lie down. It can be on top of the refrigerator, in their shoes, under the sofa, or in the washing machine. Lie down and close your eyes, but not your ears. Here is the hard part. When somebody walks by you, do not purr or raise your head. Be absolutely motionless.
  1. HOW TO MAKE THEM THINK YOU ARE AMUSED

Humans are very boring. They think you know absolutely nothing. You don’t even have to be an expert trickster, like myself, to fool them in that way. Sometimes it is best to make them think that they can amuse you. Such as if they’re trying to trick you into thinking that their toys are real mice. It’s very annoying. But sometimes it is best to make them think you are amused. The best thing then is just to play along. If they throw something, chase after it. If they dangle something in the air, jump.

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  1. HOW TO HIDE FROM THEM

Humans are very noisy, especially when they get together. Human kittens, especially. Sometimes your ears take a beating and you just want to go someplace where they won’t find you. Here are some ideas. 1) in the open washing machine 2) under the bed 3) in the corner of the closet 4) in an open bureau drawer 5) under the stairs. And, if you’re small enough, you may be able to fit in the largest human’s shoe.

  1. HOW TO MAKE THEM THINK YOU ARE MAD

Normally, it is not the best idea to make humans think you are mad, but it comes in handy. Such as if one of the human kittens has more human kittens and they all want to pet you. Then, it is best to put your ears back, growl at them, and retreat – quickly, to a hiding place. (note: see #3) Other times, such as if they are showing you off to another human, it is advisable to play mad. You will be able to discern for yourself.

And that concludes my how-to manual for tricking humans. Fellow cats, I hope you enjoyed and learned from this! Suggested track to listen to: Macavity the Mystery Cat from the Original Cast of Cats.
Written by Luvems.